Love has given me the worst pain I have ever felt.
Love is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And she was the best.

Your love is suffocating // Your love sets me free

(I’m on another see-saw)

She was the strongest storm I ever came across

I was born at sea but she—

She was the strongest storm I ever came across

I write this as I sense I have entered the eye

A brief moment of calm

But I feel her stirring even within this peace

The sounds of waves crashing

Crashing 

Crashing

Lower now, but they will rise again

—the moon sides with her

As the tide pushes and pulls me at will

The sun barely peaks from in between the cloudy sky

And as I steer my ship

I feel fresh droplets on my copper skin

cold and numbing

Yet still in love with the powers

Surrounding me. 

Respectfully, I bow my hat to her 

Airing out the cold sweat 

Hanging on to my blanket of hair. 

The eerie calmness 

Pushes me to sing to her

Deep and honestly 

I challenge her 

To let out her rage,

Her worst 

Onto me

And that I, 

I will sail on

And into her. 

My Break-Up Poem on Vday

There’s only so much of that black mamba that a woman can take 

There’s only so many times a woman can watch her love be given away 

to men like Shipe and Josh

While she stands feeling bashful and alone. 

You will never understand

The betrayal 

I feel with every moist kiss y’all share

—Oh! Your sweet slurp and your innocent moan,

Even your little mischievous giggle haunts me in my dreams…

I repeat all of our 2 dates in my head 

Over and over again

Wondering, was it that popcorn fight we had during Kick-ass 2 because your ass fell asleep? 

Is that where it all went wrong? 

Or was it my whiskey pussy at Zach’s bonfire that tore us apart? 

I keep finding ways to blame myself

And maybe you will find a way too,

Always so insecure about the love I once shared for Jasmine Michelle Luckey

While in reality you had your own infidelity!

And I refuse to settle for this kind of 

Miscommunication, 

A relationship built on feeling bashful in the kitchen,

But no, there is no going back to the Petersburg days anymore…

The cat is out of the hat,

The bashfuls are on the prowl,

And so with that, Billy Beasley, I’m leavin’ you for the groove, baby! 

My Discreet Letter to Unrequited Love

If Love Love Love = Happiness

Then why is it that I have so much love and yet I am still suffocating?

Choking, coughing up emptions that I cannot express to you.

Unrequited love

Unrequited, I – was never too into it.

Who is interested in a relationship of

1 + “I’m not in love with you and nor do I want to be” = ?

Maybe it’s all that love that was left over from my past,

Just overflowing my body because I could not truly give it,

My inability to release

Causing my heart trouble with its beating,

It’s overheating

Because it just wanted to love.

There is no larger injustice to my being

Than lacking me of love

—both giving and receiving as well as keeping a hold of it in my heart.

So Unrequited Love is totally my thing.

There’s nothing quite like hopelessly (and too hopefully)

Loving someone who will never truly accept it or love you back,

To tear you apart.

Sitting on the sea-saw

Of wanting to love them immensely anyway

Or hating every ounce of love so obviously slipping from your sad dog eyes,

Only working towards a compromise,

Convincing yourself to accept defeat each time you lie next to another body.

You want to move on and maybe you try

But at the end of it you know your true desire lies with them.

It only reinforces your forbidden feelings,

When you wake up remembering the love you’ve been fighting to forget.

And the days when you may feel a spark with someone else,

You question if you are even ready,

If you have healed or if you’ve even begun the damn process

And you may feel guilt, feel wrong

For even pursuing the thought of another while you are knowingly

Stuck crawling on your knees, deep and dark

In the mud of their love.

The soft, wet dirt

And steaming rain which they have left you in

—crawling, choking, suffocating on LOVE.

Oh, Unrequited Love, (I have always been a fan…)

"Because when I’m holding you it feels like everything I’ve ever wanted is right here in my arms."

I wish someone would literally beat some sense into me. Just like beat the shit out of me until I’m bleeding on the floor, until I’m begging for forgiveness and a chance that I won’t take for granted anymore..Until I fight to be alive again.

Dear white boy,
You don’t get to text me on the second day of a new year
And ask me where I am.
You don’t get to know my whereabouts.
You don’t have the right to wave at me in public
Because no one but me
And every other one night stand
Knows what happens when intoxication mixes with I don’t want you
But I wanted to forget /you/
And the way advantage can be taken
So easily like it was dripping onto
Your fingertips and you didn’t want it
To spill all over the floor,
Picking me up was your only consolation to still being a man.
A man
Who holds no genuine respect for
Me.
So yes, your text on January the 2nd disgusted me.
You must not understand what you did
Because if you ever felt the same shame and emptiness in your heart and body,
You would take the letters N O so
Seriously that if you ever loved a girl,
Your mother, a sister,
You would fall to your knees whimpering at the thought that your senseless, your manhood, your privilege would be so blind
And overpowering
So much to hurt another individual
And only to ask months later,
“Where are you”
I am away
And I will stay away.
I am not afraid, I am only understanding
Of my position due to my genitalia
And the ways in which I must take caution because of who I am
In order to avoid the shame and emptiness which comes with
Being a woman.
Because you don’t get to text me on the second day of a new year
You won’t get to make me feel
Worthless because I’ve had a few shots and a few beers.
But maybe one day, you can take your head out of your privileged white boy ass
Open your fucking eyes
Close your hands
Shut your mouth
And listen to a Goddamn woman
When she says NO.
Sincerely,
A woman who will never desire you; a woman who will always value herself.

  • But how can you live the rest of your life still holding so much love for them? How can you wake up every day knowing deep down that if they came back into your life, even after all this time, all of your feelings would come back and you'd still drop everything to be with them?
  • I don't know... You just do. You don't have a choice but to live with the love you have but cannot always give...in hopes of one day finding someone else to love that will make you forget the ones that got away.

I wrote a poem for the first time in months. This is me healing.

Are you gonna tear me apart too?

I’m trying so hard not to fuck this up…omg

  • Javier : I never sleep much, anyway. Life is just more interesting after 2:00 AM. You know, the liquor tastes better. The, uh... the women are more beautiful. What is it they say? That the night belongs to the poets and the madmen.

I feel like I did this to myself. My desires are foolish and self-destructive and no matter how much I try to ignore it or get away from it, I find myself falling deeper into a hole I dug.